Well, this time I think it's really over. MrP and I have been going back and forth with our "marriage" for the past year, but tonight was most likely the end. Nothing too dramatic happened...just an attempt to go to dinner which ended up in me asking him to turn around and take me back to my car so I could go home.
I hadn't talked to him since Friday at work when he called to tell me that he had just had his dog put down. Jack had been diagnosed with cancer earlier in the week, and although he knew it was coming, MrP thought he would have at least a few more weeks with his best friend. But, Thursday night, things got really bad, so he had his parents take Jack to the vet for him because he knew he wouldn't handle it very well. Starting last night, every minute I didn't call him the weight got bigger and bigger. He's used to me not calling him on Friday nights because he has his daughter then, and no matter how great my relationship was with her before the separation, I just can't bring myself to be in her life now. I know he'll never understand that, but she wanted to call me Mommy, and losing that once was enough for me. I wasn't prepared to put myself (or her) back into that until I knew for sure we'd make it work. But, it was a time when I SHOULD have called. I should have been there for him and I couldn't bring myself to move.
So, I did what I seem to do a lot lately, which is sit absolutely still and do absolutely nothing. But soon enough Friday night was over and Saturday was getting away from me and my big void. I thought getting out of the house would be a good idea. I could squash the ever growing tension from the lack of communication by just picking up the damn phone, calling him and seeing if we could go DO something. The last thing I wanted to do was sit on either one of our couches for yet another Saturday night. And I thought that once I got over there, we'd have something to talk about, or find something to do that would be fun and maybe I'd feel like this could work.
So, I did call and shortly after, headed over to his place. We decided to go get something to eat, but half way there I started feeling really sad, which isn't something that has happened much lately. It was pretty overwhelming, and I knew if we went into the restuarant, I'd either be totally clammed up, which would really suck for him, or I'd start crying...and being mortified to cry in public, I asked him if he'd turn around.
He asked me what was wrong and I told him I was either depressed or too stressed out (work, money, taking care of a household on my own, this relationship). I told him that I dread more than I look forward to anything in my life right now. His response was to laugh and tell me he'd said the same thing about himself a few times over the past few days. And even though it was the last thing I wanted to say to him during this difficult time, I blurted out that I didn't think I had it in me to make this relationship work. He said something dismissive, which I know is self preservation, but DAMMIT, I don't deserve that shit after everything we've been through, so I asked him to just not talk the rest of the way back. That was the last thing I said to him, and quite possibly the last thing I will ever say to him. I can't even imagine another conversation. What else is there to say? I'm sorry that for the 100th time, I thought it might work and for the 100th time, it didn't.
I guess I can't get past the past. I can't not remember all of the times I was disappointed. No matter how hard he tries, there are still too many things about us that just don't fit. It's not that I don't care for him, but we are too different to try to keep a relationship going, let alone a marriage. He's a good guy, but no matter how much I've tried to deny it over the past year, we are just not a good match. I need more than he can give me and he needs more than I can give him. And I think I'll go insane if I'm left in this limbo much longer, so this absolutely has to be it.
Now I feel like a heartless bitch.
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3 comments:
You are not a heartless bith. Let's just get that out of the way. You guys gave it a really good try. More than a lot of people would have done. I don't know if this is the end for you guys, but you know I'm here to support you no matter what your decision is. Damn, I wish I had read this before now. I totally would have come in town and dragged you to T-town for the weinie roast!
You are not a heartless bitch...I'm hoping that if enough of your friends leave that phrase in your comments you'll believe it. You gave this marriage your best effort, better than he did in my opinion. Maybe you're right, you're not a good match or maybe the timing was off from the beginning. Whatever ends up happening, you know that you have a network of people who care about you and love you and will help you through this. You're a strong woman, this too shall pass. Love and hugs to you, EM
You are not a heartless bitch... you tried Baker, so many times with MrP, you tried. Maybe you are right in that you were not a good match, but you tried many times to see it from differing perspectives, and none of them worked for either of you. I think you are a wonderful strong woman, and I want to know that even though we do not see each other very often, I love you. Baker you are you and he is he, and we are your girlie girls and we are here for you anytime.
Love, EBM
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