Hi, my name is Baker and I'm a nicotine addict...and I can't sleep!

Ever since I started smoking again last year, I've been trying to quit. I could never get past the first two days though, no matter how much I wanted it. I can't say this strongly enough...I HATE SMOKING. But, the nicotine addiction was so strong and my life so stressful that I couldn't see myself quitting without either slapping someone in the face, or throwing a temper-tantrum at work (excuses, excuses).

When I had my surgery in August, I had no choice but to quit as the doctor said that the bones in my neck wouldn't fuse well if I didn't. I took advantage of being completely drugged up to get me through those oh-so-horrid first three days. But sadly, the second week I smoked. Not because I had an urge or really wanted to at all. I tried to see if it would help me with a problem I was having...which I won't go into for fear of treading too far into TMI land. And this wasn't just some lame excuse to get to smoke either. I was beyond desperate. Suffice it to say, it didn't work, and I let the nasty beast nicotine back into my body for nothing and that one cigarette turned into hundreds more...make that THOUSANDS more. Crap!

I was supposed to quit again October 1st with a friend at work. I lasted 2 days, then realized that I was really stupid to try to quit at the beginning of the new quarter, when I'm the most stressed out at work (even though, oddly enough, I didn't smoke at work). I know this sounds like an excuse too...it's never a good time to quit, right? Well, I really did have to take into account that I could jeapordize my job by pummeling a particularly frustrating and annoying co-worker.

So, I finally decided to look into the smoking cessation program offered at work. I knew they had revamped it in the past few years and I was delighted to find that it was no longer a reimbursement program, but one where they pay for any kind of treatment you decide to use up front. As soon as I saw that one of the options was for medication, I knew that was what I wanted to do.

I don't believe in Nicotine Replacement Therapy. To me, that is just prolonging the agony. If I'm going to have to go through the stress of quitting the act of smoking, then I'm not going to want to have to deal with all of the real hard-core nicotine withdrawl later on! I'd rather rip that band-aid off fast and get all the pain over at once. When I quit a few years ago, I went cold-turkey and relied upon all of the knowledge I gained at a website: http://www.whyquit.com/ to help me understand what I'd be going through, which really did make things much easier. But, since I had started up again, none of that knowledge was helping.

I chose to get a prescription for Bupropion (which is the generic version of Wellbutrin), which I actually took for a few months last year. I had noticed that while I didn't quit smoking while on it before, I could go for long periods of time without having a cigarette and not get that feeling deep down that I NEEDED to smoke. And because it's not just a smoking cessation drug, but also an anti-depressant, I thought it would be a really good option for me right now...not that I'm depressed, but quitting smoking makes me feel depressed, and I'm all for staying in a relatively good mood for the next few months. Not to mention, it also acts as an appetite suppresant of sorts for me, which is nothing short of a miracle when quitting.

All I had to do was call the American Cancer Society quit hotline and set up some counseling sessions. After the first one, they decide which option would be best for you, and because I basically told them what I wanted to do, they approved the prescription and gave me a code, which I then gave to the pharmacy (after seing good ol' doc for the script), and they handed me the drugs at no charge. BONUS. :)

I started taking it a few weeks ago and set my quit date for November 10th. I haven't smoked in 7 days and things are looking good. No one has been slapped, though I have been just a little bitchy at work (I believe this is not as related to the nicotine withdrawal as it is related to how freaking annoying certain people can be). I had to take a half day Friday, but still consider this a relatively easy quit.

NOW....to get to the point...just like when I was on Medical Leave for the surgery, my sleep schedule is all kinds of messed up. I experienced sleeping issues last time I took this medication, but they only lasted for the first week or so. This time, I just can't shake it. I've been waking up by 5:00 a.m. on my own, even if I've gone to bed after midnight. I don't get up most days because I'm so mad I'm awake. My ass is staying in that bed until that alarm clock goes off, dammit!! But no matter how hard I try, I lay there wide awake.

I couldn't sleep last night period. I was awake until 6:00 a.m. And that was after having 4 Woodchucks!!! Anyone who knows me knows that this girl doesn't stay awake long after drinking, but I couldn't sleep to save my life. I finally got 2 hours of sleep in the morning, then another hour of sleep this afternoon. But, here it is, past 1:30 a.m. and I am WIDE AWAKE. I hate starting off a work-week sleep deprived. It takes the whole week just to catch up. I don't drink coffee, drink only caffeine free soda, and haven't even been drinking that much soda lately anyway. I've been flushing out the system by drinking lots of no-sugar-added cranberry juice and water. So, why am I so utterly wide awake? Aaarrrrgggghhhh!!!

Oh well...I guess I'd rather be a zombie at work for a while than still be smoking.

So...here are my quit stats so far:

I have been quit for 1 Week, 2 hours and 26 minutes (7 days). I have saved $31.95 by not smoking 142 cigarettes.

Here's a wake-up call...my stats if I had stayed quit after surgery:

I have been quit for 3 Months, 1 Week, 5 Days, and 2 hours (104 days). I have saved $468.45 by not smoking 2,082 cigarettes.

And, last but not least...what my stats would be if I hadn't started again last year...damn me!

I have been quit for 2 Years, 10 Months, 2 Weeks, and 2 hours (1,049 days). I have saved $4,720.96 by not smoking 20,982 cigarettes.

$4,720.96!

$4,720.96!!!!!

That blows my mind. Hell, even the $468.45 since August blows my mind. That's 2 car payments! One of my favorite parts of quitting is the money I don't spend on making myself stink. :)

So, I'm going to go lie awake in bed now. Send me sleep vibes y'all!

WTF? Wednesday

WTF Cable Company?

Why is it that when I called today to ask why my bill is higher lately, you tell me that I am on the old system, and that you can now lower my bill by $50/month and give me a slew of new channels? Don't get me wrong...I really appreciate this...BUT, if I hadn't called, would have I have been over charged and under serviced forever??? I appreciate you back-dating the lower payment amount for this past month, but how long have I been over paying?? You bought out the old company a long time ago!

WTF Doc?

I go see you with horrible pain from a ruptured disc in July, for which you blew me off and spent about 2 minutes in the exam room with me, causing me to go see a Prompt Care Doc, who sent me for the tests that led me to the ultimate solution for my problem. But when I go see you today to have an old prescription re-written, you spend a half an hour chatting with me about my health? Is it because you feel so guilty about totally mis-diagnosing me and treating me like a drug seeking loser this summer? Too little too late, buddy, I'm still shopping for a new doc.

WTF NetMeeting?

Why is it that you've worked every other time I've used you, but today you wouldn't work for me when I was trying to train our field employees how to use our report system? You just had to do this in front of all of our Managers, but when the person after me (using the same machine with no changes) wanted to show her single document, you worked just fine??? Thanks a lot!

Thank Heaven For Little Sisters

Shortly after I finished my post last night, Little Sister Roomie (LSRoomie for future reference) came in the front door. She asked me why I was being a bum...when she left the house the night before, I was in the exact same position. I started giving her a quick run-down of my failure of an evening (and a marriage and a life), and she said she was really sorry but she needed to get back out to the car, as her boyfriend was in the driveway waiting for her. They were going back to his place to watch SNL with some friends. She asked me if I wanted to go along, but I wasn't hip on being in room full of people I don't know as I really wasn't sure if I was over being upset with myself. I told her I was fine...the pity party was pretty much over, and I was just gonna cuddle up with a bottle of Woodchuck and watch the Palin twins myself at home.

But she went to the car anyway and told her boyfriend that her big sister needed her for a little while. We headed to downtown Bloomington, hoping to find somewhere quiet where we could have a drink and some food...I was starving (always a good sign, cause I can't eat to save my life when I'm upset). The one place we knew of that was still serving food had a $5 cover charge, which meant there would probably be a band playing, which would make it too loud to enjoy conversation. No thanks. Everywhere else was crawling with already drunk bafoons, loud music, and girls who won't wear weather appropriate clothing, preferring to freeze off their little bits...and they had no food. Brilliant youngster that she is, LSRoomie remembered that Lucca Grill was just around the corner...PERFECT!! I always forget about that place and their awesome pizza. The kitchen was closed, but we were still able to order a pizza. And they have Fat Tire on tap, so I had myself one of those and got myself a nice little buzz.

I felt so much better! We talked about my evening in the car, and by the time we got to downtown, I was over it and we spent the rest of the night talking about just any old thing. Even though we live in the same house, we don't spend all that much time together, so it was nice to catch up. It was perfect, really. Even though I was back in my couch potato spot within an hour and a half, it was just enough for me to shake off the cobwebs, remember that I'm not completely heartless, and appreciate sisters (including those not related by blood) and how they always seem to show up and yank you out of your funk exactly at the moment when you need it most.

On Again Off Again On Again Off

Well, this time I think it's really over. MrP and I have been going back and forth with our "marriage" for the past year, but tonight was most likely the end. Nothing too dramatic happened...just an attempt to go to dinner which ended up in me asking him to turn around and take me back to my car so I could go home.

I hadn't talked to him since Friday at work when he called to tell me that he had just had his dog put down. Jack had been diagnosed with cancer earlier in the week, and although he knew it was coming, MrP thought he would have at least a few more weeks with his best friend. But, Thursday night, things got really bad, so he had his parents take Jack to the vet for him because he knew he wouldn't handle it very well. Starting last night, every minute I didn't call him the weight got bigger and bigger. He's used to me not calling him on Friday nights because he has his daughter then, and no matter how great my relationship was with her before the separation, I just can't bring myself to be in her life now. I know he'll never understand that, but she wanted to call me Mommy, and losing that once was enough for me. I wasn't prepared to put myself (or her) back into that until I knew for sure we'd make it work. But, it was a time when I SHOULD have called. I should have been there for him and I couldn't bring myself to move.

So, I did what I seem to do a lot lately, which is sit absolutely still and do absolutely nothing. But soon enough Friday night was over and Saturday was getting away from me and my big void. I thought getting out of the house would be a good idea. I could squash the ever growing tension from the lack of communication by just picking up the damn phone, calling him and seeing if we could go DO something. The last thing I wanted to do was sit on either one of our couches for yet another Saturday night. And I thought that once I got over there, we'd have something to talk about, or find something to do that would be fun and maybe I'd feel like this could work.

So, I did call and shortly after, headed over to his place. We decided to go get something to eat, but half way there I started feeling really sad, which isn't something that has happened much lately. It was pretty overwhelming, and I knew if we went into the restuarant, I'd either be totally clammed up, which would really suck for him, or I'd start crying...and being mortified to cry in public, I asked him if he'd turn around.

He asked me what was wrong and I told him I was either depressed or too stressed out (work, money, taking care of a household on my own, this relationship). I told him that I dread more than I look forward to anything in my life right now. His response was to laugh and tell me he'd said the same thing about himself a few times over the past few days. And even though it was the last thing I wanted to say to him during this difficult time, I blurted out that I didn't think I had it in me to make this relationship work. He said something dismissive, which I know is self preservation, but DAMMIT, I don't deserve that shit after everything we've been through, so I asked him to just not talk the rest of the way back. That was the last thing I said to him, and quite possibly the last thing I will ever say to him. I can't even imagine another conversation. What else is there to say? I'm sorry that for the 100th time, I thought it might work and for the 100th time, it didn't.

I guess I can't get past the past. I can't not remember all of the times I was disappointed. No matter how hard he tries, there are still too many things about us that just don't fit. It's not that I don't care for him, but we are too different to try to keep a relationship going, let alone a marriage. He's a good guy, but no matter how much I've tried to deny it over the past year, we are just not a good match. I need more than he can give me and he needs more than I can give him. And I think I'll go insane if I'm left in this limbo much longer, so this absolutely has to be it.

Now I feel like a heartless bitch.

Been running so long

I've been quiet lately. Just started blogging, then found myself with nothing to say. I get this way when there's uncertainty or confusion in my life. I clam up, become a hermit, lose touch. But even when I'm most quiet, I still find release in music. This pretty much says it for me today. http://www.singsnap.com/snap/r/c11097287

WTF Wednesday, Baker Style

WTF Exhaustion??!! I know I'm still recovering, but enough with it already!!! My extra sleeping got me too far off kilter with the rest of the sleeping/waking world. I'm so sick of being awake when no one else is! I'm sick of coming home from any kind of activity and completely crashing. I'm better now...let's just get on with it!!

WTF Kid?? (My 11 year old daughter is wonderful...she truly is the light of my life, but...) COME ON KID! WTF! I fell asleep at about 8:30 last night. I had been doing some cleaning, laid down to rest and that was the end of me until 5:30 this morning. This is after having napped from 10am -4pm yesterday because I had been up since about 8pm the night before (see WTF Exhaustion). I really didn't expect to fall asleep like that. So, Kid, you were on your own after homework.

You left on every single light in the house. I am not being a drama queen. Every single light we use was on. The television was on. The desktop computer was on. The laptop had been left on so long, the battery died, and the laptop was sitting open so the cats can come lay on it. Your room is a huge mess (that doesn't really go with you leaving stuff turned on, I just wanted to throw it in for good measure). WTF? That costs, so you're gonna pay. That's also a HUGE waste, so you need to remember.

I guess if you had a blog, you could come on later tonight and vent about how big of a big ol' bi*ch I'm gonna be after school. WTF Mom! Yeah...I was all nice this morning before school, but that was just because I was trying to come up with some good chores for you to do to make good and maybe serve as a stuanch reminder to turn off the freaking light. I can't wait till you get home. :) I just might have An Inconvenient Truth queued up to play in the background.

My first meme!!

I was tagged for my very first meme by Earth Muffin. So...here goes...

A. Attached or single? Married*. Though we do live in separate houses, we are no longer pursuing a separation, but seeing how it works out living apart and staying together. He lives exactly 2 miles away. I get the life of a single mom with a sure thing booty call, and someone to help me start my lawn mower.

B. Best friend? All of my girly friends are the best...it's hard to list just one...or five. LOL

C. Cake or pie? My daughter would disown me if I didn't say PIE.

D. Day of choice? Saturday...on my child-free weekends, it is my one whole entire day of no-responsibilities.

E. Essential item? My microphone.

F. Favorite color? blue

G. Gummy bears or worms? Meh...neither really. I'm not a fan of anything gummy.

H. Hometown? Tiny, tiny, tiny Arrowsmith, IL

I. Indulgence? mineral make-up, fast food, expensive shampoo & conditioner

J. January or July? July is always a fun month.

K. Kids? 1 girl - 11 years old

L. Life isn’t complete without? The girl, music, books

M. Marriage date? #1. 2/22/1997 #2. 7/14/2006

N. Number of brothers & sisters? One brother, two sisters.

O. Oranges or apples? Apples.

P. Phobias? Spiders...how can something so small garner such a horrific and huge physical response?

Q. Quotes? "Be who you are, and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind," Dr. Seuss.

R. Reasons to smile? Um, there are millions.

S. Season of choice? I love fall and spring both...I love watching the growth in the spring and the harvest in the fall.

T. Tag seven peeps! All of the peeps I know here have already been tagged!

U. Unknown fact about me? Um, seeing that I am the queen of TMI, I doubt there is anything y'all don't already know about me.

V. Vegetable? Corn on the cob.

W. Worst habits? being a lazy housekeeper, smoking (I'm quitting though), eating fast food

X. X-ray or ultrasound? I'll have to go with x-ray since I've had so many of them lately.

Y. Your favorite food? Ugh, these are hard. I'll have to say Pizza, since I probably eat that more often than anything else. And, yes, my homemade is THE BEST.

Z. Zodiac sign? Taurus.

WTF Wednesday

WTF Giant Black Bug? How the hell did you get into my house? I hope you were clinging to some poor unsuspecting vehicle. I do appreciate the fact that you didn't fly, and moved slowly as to help facilitate your removal from the premesis. But, your huge pinchy pinchers and slick blackiness deem you forbidden to enter here. STAY OUT.

WTF School Supplies? Ok, next thing on the list...hm, a 3 inch 3 ring binder with closure. There's a 1 1/2 inch. Oh, and here's the 2 inch bin, the 3 inchers must be close. Hm...no 3 inch 3 ring binders to be seen for miles upon miles of Wal-Mart floors where they get a kick out of placing the supplies in various spots for our shopping delight. They must feel as though they infuse the shopping experience with suspense and excitement...it's like an adventure! Will the rubber cement be down this aisle? Will the elusive 3 inch binder ever be found? Will our fearless Mother be able to save the day? Dun Dun Duuun.

Adding Injury To Insult

I was cleaning the kitchen earlier when I grabbed the sprayer to rinse out the sink. A shocking blast of me spraying myself full force in the face caused me, of course, to automatically jerk my head away. OUCH.

Aside from that, I had a good day today, woke up feeling pretty good, even though I'm still not sleeping with anything at all resembling normalcy. I decided to break free of the chains of NO DRIVING. I was so fed up with having to call 2 or 3 people to see who could run me to the store for toilet paper that I decided to take the girl child out for school supplies...and toilet paper. We were completely out of toilet paper and PADS (nod to Mr. EM). So, technically, I HAD to drive. It's day 10 anyway. It's all good.

The shopping wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Although, they had everything but Rubber Cement at Target. Dirty bastards. I guess that turned out to be a good thing because when we went to the next store, the girl found the coveted purple-with-big-polka-dots-backpack that both she and her best pal P have been dying to get (and it was only $10). Score! Then we came home and I video taped her rollerskating in the driveway with these kick ass old-school roller skates she bought at a garage sale for a dollar. Score! Score!

Now, for something totally unrelated...I was a little worried that singing was going to be different or changed somehow by the surgery. I know talking is pretty much the same, aside from all the extra drool, and the ever-so-slight slur (which, face it, is probably from the drugs). What is harder to swallow is that when I swallow, if my head isn't facing forward, I feel and hear something thumping in there. All I can think is that I'm hitting the titanium plate with something. It was freakin' meow. But, I tried singing a little the past few days, and I still sound pretty much the same. Mostly, I just sound tired.

I was tickled to find that 'Ask' by The Smiths had been added to SingSnap, so I gave it a whirl. Aaaah, the memories! My high school boyfriend put that song on a tape for me, and I'm pretty sure he sang it in his band, Phydeaux. I probably listened to it a few hundred times by the next time I saw him. That song has been etched into my head ever since. He was sooooooo delicious. Being 17 is sooooooo delicious. I had to laugh as I was listening to my recording...I realized that I was sitting just a few feet away from where I was the first time I ever heard that song. You've come a long way, baby!

I was also pleased to find 'Feed The Birds' from Mary Poppins. I tried it today, but I kept getting choked up at the end. I'll have to try again when I'm back to 100%. I used to sing that to the girl when she was itty bitty. She would try to sing along, but she couldn't even talk yet, so she'd just sort of hum and coo...and now she's going to JUNIOR HIGH. Dirty bastards.

It's BAKER!

A long time ago, in a land far far away...well, just down the street from here...a friend of mine told me that I should someday write a book and fill it with all of the many funny, odd, interesting, embarrassing, barely believable stories of things that have actually happened to me. I probably won't have time to write my book until I'm retired or my daughter does whatever it is that will make her rich and famous, so I enter the world of the blog.

My stories were always referred to as Baker Stories, as Baker was my high school and college nickname. So...Baker Stories it is.

This is the perfect time for me to start a blog, I guess, as I am home from work for the next few weeks due to my recent introduction to the world of spinal damage. Woo hoo!! I have already gone through two rounds of movie rents and I'm getting really sick of my livingroom. I've also read every single post on the website http://www.spine-health.com/, and I'm running out of people I can call at work and bother.

So, my maiden post is launched, or published, I should day. I hope I don't splash y'all too much when I jump in!